I'm saying goodbye to this blog.
Not that I'm taking it down or closing it. There was definitely a lot of cringeworthy content, especially during my teenage years! But I won't be ashamed of my younger self, for trying to write and for putting herself out there.
I frequently have these opposing inclinations - of wanting to express myself, and then of feeling self-conscious and narcissistic when I do. I'm still trying to figure out what it means to write, to blog - and to do so publicly. Do I want engagement? Am I comfortable inviting discourse and inputs from the reader? But if I do, then I feel terrified of being at the receiving end of their judgment and scrutiny.
Why I've decided to move away from this blog, is because while I have loved blogging here, I've found that there were moments where my content & writing here have been driven by people's opinions and approval. Meaning to say, I sometimes write because I had wanted to appear a certain way - I was preoccupied with how those reading my blog would perceive me and think of me. No one really gave me snarky or rude comments (that I could remember!). But after a while, I was too paralysed to write or blog, simply because the weight of others' expectations (and my own) felt too overwhelming. Whatever topics (or ideas, as this blog title references) I wanted to write about, don't seem significant enough to warrant a blog post. I'm just an ordinary lady leading an ordinary life - what have I to shout about?
But I couldn't shake off this love of writing. And the excitement I feel when people write their thoughts, when people share what they're reading, when people talk about their ideas & reflections. Life moves in hyperspeed, and I'm trying to contribute to a culture or a norm where people don't shy away from sharing what they're thinking and what they're experiencing on a deeper level. I'm trying to hold on to the belief that life is more than just the grind and the day-to-day. And building a literary culture - not necessarily the reading of classics - but having the exchange of ideas, carving out time for reading and writing, I think is one way I could do that.
So I've decided that I want a fresh start - to write and blog about things that I want to. Even if my writings are pretentious, too emotional, anecdotal, "fluffy", unstructured - whatever you may call it, I want to continue doing it. Just perhaps in another place where there's not too much association with a past where I mainly looked at blogging as another form of social media.
I've opened up a new blog, where I hope to cultivate an approach to writing that helps give voice & clarity to my thoughts, instead of causing me to overthink further. I'm pleased to say hello to this small & humble endeavour. The title comes from a conversation with a friend, about how the writing and art that we produce may not necessarily need to be Important or Useful for mankind; but whatever we write we let it go into the universe (or the void, as I call it) and let it be, whether or not it is impactful to the readers. Its existence should not be diminished or despised for that.
Hotch Potch is still open, but I take it as juvenilia which forms the foundation of the new blog. Hopefully I will not lose steam with the new place, but to allow it to be safe space for what I think & feel.