Sucked Dry.

"You can't eat the orange and throw the peel away - a man is not a piece of fruit!"

-Willy Loman, Death of a Salesman (Arthur Miller)

     I've always been fascinated by this line, because the analogy is at once so deeply striking and more so because I could relate to it on a personal level.

     This feeling always gets me from time to time: the feeling of being squeezed dry till the very last drop of my everything is milked. Rather melodramatic, I know. But the feeling is a familiar one.

     I love being around people, I love helping them, I love loving them. One of the greatest joys of my life is knowing that I brought a smile to someone's face. And oftentimes, I am content just knowing that I cheered someone up or made them laugh.

     But once in a while, the feeling of resentment, irritability, and moodiness creep in to take a hold on me. As vain as it sounds, I'd like to feel as though I'm being appreciated for my efforts, or that someone else would take the trouble to be concerned about me or to tickle my funny bone or have a decent chat with me, to really see what's going on with me. 

     And while it's never really wrong to want others to treat you with care and consideration, it becomes a huge issue when you expect others to do so. Like there must be a quid pro quo of sorts. I was nice to you, and now I earn the right to expect you to do the same. And it's especially dangerous to expect people to be nice to me the exact same way I have done for others.

     But it doesn't work that way at all. For the latter part, people have different ways of being nice, of showing gratitude, of loving others. And to expect them to love you the way you love them would only lead to self-inflicted and quite unnecessary heartache.

     To expect others to be nice to you just because you were to them, would only result in such terrible, terrible bitterness.

     And that's why it's so so so important to remind ourselves of WHY we love in the first place.

    "We love because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

     Only when we are nourished, replenished, resting in God's radiant, eternal love that we are ever able to love others. Our love for others is a spring of rushing water in which His love is the source. And when we cut ourselves off from the source, the spring is blocked and thus runs dry.

     And that's when I realize that as much as I love to love, and I love to give of myself to others, it is absolutely vital that I remember to take a step back and bask in the glorious spring. I need to be able to enjoy His love, to take time out to be by myself, to be resting in Him, before I could start loving others. Lest we run dry, trying to create a spring of water without the source of it.

Twelfth Night

     I found myself actually being really entertained as I was reading this play. As in, even laughing out loud at certain parts. For me, it was hilarious because I can totally envision the characters and the comedic timing and the dialogue,  just - everything. The plot worked out so nicely, with Sebastian and Viola being mistaken for the other. And at first, I was a bit annoyed at the subplot of Malvolio, but the whole bit with his cross garters and yellow stockings really got me laughing hard (Come on, it was pretty funny!). Plus who could forget the clown & co. just locking Malvolio up and playing mind games with him.

     And of course, it has many elements that comedic films have stolen of late. Cases of mistaken identity, for instance. Someone disguises himself / herself as someone else, and humorous misunderstandings ensue. O goodness, and of course playing pranks on an unlikable character always goes a long way towards being comedic gold.

     Haven't really unpacked all of the little intricacies of the play yet, but other things I liked was the fact that the female characters of the play were really strong, independent ladies. Viola and Olivia were great, smart ladies, able to stand on their own. Plus, I love that despite the clown being - well - a clown, he was the one dispensing little nuggets of wisdom from time to time.

     Loved reading this comedy, and quite looking forward to reading the others!

   

It's Mealtime!

     Super-excited to be cooking a meal for my family tomorrow night. Big challenge ahead, because I'm not too used to cooking five-course dinners - usually I'd cook a few small dishes for myself for a meal. Feeling a little nervous about the timing, and having to manage several dishes at one go.

     This little ramble isn't exactly blog-post worthy, but I thought what the hey! I'm excited for it. Just hoping that my sweet potato fries will turn out alright, and that my family wouldn't suddenly develop an "allergy" towards it, hehe.

Small

      I feel so small. So tiny. So insignificant. Am I anything?

      I try. I'm trying. And I will try. But all I ever do is fall. How do I prove myself to this world? How can show them who I am? That I am trying?

      But You call me to Yourself. And my identity need not be proven, for it is ever cemented in Your heart. You know me. And though I fall, by Your grace, You pick me up. You dust me off. And You show me that Your grace is ever sufficient for me, and that Your power is made perfect in my weakness.

      I am small. The world thinks I am small. But I am grateful, knowing that I have this opportunity to show big my God is, that He would lift one as such as me.

Grandparents

     
Inspired by actual events, haha. ILY grandma and grandpa. <3 There's a fair amount of Malaysian English here as well, so just be aware :)
     
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     Having breakfast with them is sometimes a stressful affair.

     There I was, trying to enjoy my breakfast that consisted of a bowl of muesli and an interesting book, but I suppose circumstances had dictated that my breakfast not be peaceful. And by circumstances, I mean those that come in the form of my grandpa and grandma.
     Grandpa was at the breakfast table on my left, leafing through the newspapers. Grandma was on my right a little distance away, sitting comfortably while skilfully cutting the kangkung, or water spinach, without a chopping board. The scene was ordinary enough, but of course, it was just another arena for their sharp-tongued battles.

      We were having a decent conversation when one party provoked the other (and as in all the previous battles, it was quite uncertain who had instigated it). A few nasty remarks were volleyed back and forth. Somehow we ended up on the topic of my grandpa's social skills - or lack thereof.

     "Ugh, the last time Christine's husband came over-" began grandma.

     "Wait a second, who's Christine??" I said. I am determined to be the pacifist in this word-war, speaking only to ask unnecessary questions or make inane comments.

      "Aiya, Christine is your ah yee (aunt's) friend lor. Anyway, her husband came over to visit. And was chit-chatting to your grandpa. He didn't say anything, just nodded and smiled," she waved her knife about as she was narrating the story. I saw a piece of cut kangkung fly off from the knife and onto the floor.

     "That's because I was watching TV!" my grandpa said in defense, his bushy eyebrows shooting up across his forehead in anger. But the effect was lost when he turned to me and grinned cheekily. He likes pushing my grandma's buttons, and he knows I know it.

     "When someone is talking to you, you should talk to them as well! Not watch TV," she huffed a little, clucking her tongue in disapproval.

      "Well, who asked that fella to be so bodoh (stupid)? I'm obviously only interested in the TV, I don't want to talk to him. No common sense," he said indignantly. But again, he turned and nudged me on my elbow, grinning as though we are sharing a secret joke between ourselves.

     My grandma's answer was lightning-fast, almost like she rehearses it on a daily basis.

      "You're the one who is bodoh!" And she began her tirade with a generous number of acidic insults that she has reserved specially for him. He gladly parried all her insults with some of his own. I tried to smooth things over by deflecting their attention to other things. "Look at the fish," I said, pointing at the tiny aquarium containing a single fighting fish. "Look how cute the fishie is." But to no avail. The fish merely became another topic that fed their fiery discourse.

     So the battle goes on. Then mercifully, there came the quiet and silence of a ceasefire. The two had quite worn out their colourful vocabulary used to verbally assault one another, and have decided to retire to their respective corners. One resumed cutting up the vegetables, the other content with flipping through the newspapers.

      I sighed in relief. From experience, I know the ceasefire wouldn't last long, and a fresh round of biting remarks is well on the way. But I'll enjoy the silence for now. Plus, despite being caught in the middle of the tension, I can't ever say that my mornings are ever short of being very very very entertaining.

   

You mean You Don't Know?

I am very perplexed when people go 'you mean you don't know??!' when I ask them something. Obviously I don't otherwise I wouldn't have asked..

And when you want to ask them questions, because you're curious and you want to find out more, some people get this superior attitude like 'oh my goodness, you mean you don't know about that?' What a way of discouraging others from cultivating an inquisitive mindset. Rather than judging others, we should inspire them to be a little less ignorant.

I feel like there're so many things about which I want to ask and learn, but I feel so disheartened when I'm put down from not knowing 'enough' or when I'm expressing my own views on the matter. It really just makes me want to shut up and find things out on my own.

Ah well. Perhaps this is my own bruised ego talking. And I am aware of my own shortcomings as well, of judging people who I feel are 'ignorant'. But alas, I know that it shouldn't be so. Rather than criticising what is lacking in others, I need to inspire them, support them to grow and learn more. And that goes for myself as well. It'd be shameful and painful to admit what is lacking in me, but I hope that I shall boast in my weaknesses, and see them as opportunities to grow.