Recently one of my friends shared on Facebook something about her latest achievement. And while I'm supremely glad for her, the niggling desire to achieve greatness myself and the profound sadness at not having achieved it, punctured me.
This isn't anything new for me. Since an unbeknownst age, a competitive spirit, or a prideful spirit, or a spirit in need of validation, has been germinating in me. At times it remains dormant, but sometimes it springs up and displays its ugly thorns. More often than not, those jealous, insecure feelings prick me when people appear to be doing better than me, achieving more in life.
In my head, and deep down in my heart, I know that as much as I should strive to be the best self that I can be and that I should strive always to improve myself, I shouldn't hinge my entire identity on achievements, or relationships, or even about how good I feel about myself. These things are inconstant, ephemeral, changing always like the shifting shadows. Instead, the foundation of who I am, the very fibre of my being is laid on being a rescued child of God. This I know changes not.
This is my challenge: to do the things that need to be done not for my validation, but for the glory of God and the service of men. If I do get recognized or appreciated, through my service, through my ministry, through my career, may it be. But if not, may I be more than content, more than joyful in the station allotted to me.
But these feelings of jealousy, of insecurity, of discontent, this overwhelming sense of failure wash over me at times. I feel sickened by my greed, the greed of wanting greatness in the conventional sense of the word, of wanting my successes acknowledged, of wanting to be admired and lauded. There's always more to be wanted.
As I'm struggling with all these conflicting feelings, these desires both noble and wicked, God's word, unfailingly, pierces through the murky depths of my heart:
"Hallelujah!
For our Lord God Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and be glad
and give Him glory!"
-Revelation 19:6-7
Reading these words, I really feel it: the greatest joy is not in puffing up my own self-esteem which desires to be petted and soothed like a ravenous beast, but the greatest joy is in the simple joy of knowing Jesus and calling Him my Lord.
Hey :) i definitely can relate to this. Thanks for sharing. I used to beat myself up having those jealousy thoughts. But what i realised is that, we're humans, and is normal to have thoughts like this once in a while. What's important is that we acknowledge we are feeling this way, and find the cause of the root, which i figured u already have. Took me quite some time to be really genuinely happy for someone else, but i'm glad i finally did.
ReplyDeleteTake care and i hope u're doing well!
Hi Ching! Yeah I think it's something that we all relate to! Thanks for sharing, glad to know I'm not alone in this :) Yes, definitely really normal - though yeah, it's important to diagnose why we're feeling this too. Hope you're doing well too, it looks like you're having a great time
Delete! <3
Hey :) i definitely can relate to this. Thanks for sharing. I used to beat myself up having those jealousy thoughts. But what i realised is that, we're humans, and is normal to have thoughts like this once in a while. What's important is that we acknowledge we are feeling this way, and find the cause of the root, which i figured u already have. Took me quite some time to be really genuinely happy for someone else, but i'm glad i finally did.
ReplyDeleteTake care and i hope u're doing well!