In summary: Life in Durham Uni

Before viewing my university results slip, I asked myself “Would I still be praising God – even if I don’t get what I wanted?”

I had told myself that the results weren’t important, and that I did the best I could. And I sincerely believe that. But I had not realised that I still craved for a First. When I opened the slip, I didn’t see what I wanted to see. All of  a sudden, the high of graduating and being done with my degree dampened. It had seemed like my entire academic career fizzled out into a nothing instead of ending with a bang. It had seemed to me a very sour failure.

What perhaps stung the most was that it was a subject that I thought I was good at and that I was passionate about. I wasn’t a standout in a lot of things at school: I flee from numbers, science wasn’t my forte, sports was done only for fun, and ask me to sing or play a musical instrument and banshees would boo me off the stage. My peers, on the other hand, seem to wield talent in multitudinous fields, and always there are those who are better than me in every single thing. But I derived consolation from the thought that I was good with words.

Coming to Durham University, I dared not harbour any ambition. It was daunting coming to the motherland of English Literature, and intimidating to be set alongside peers whose native tongue is English. I just wanted to pass my tests. But doing considerably alright for my second year, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I would have a shot at a First?

So when I finally received my results, all notion of (perceived) self-worth dissipated.

Will I still praise God?

There is much danger in settling your identity and hope on things outside of God. Danger – not only because God often cripples our petty attempts of “self-definition”, but also because we don’t understand the hollowness that undergirds the fruitless enterprise of seeking fulfilment that is not Christ Himself. To give an example, I had only first wanted to enter university. Then I had only hoped to pass my degree. And then soon, I wanted more and more and more. I suspect that even if results went the way I wanted, I would still be looking for the next “big” thing to achieve.

Reflecting upon it, the motive is to fuel my narcissism. And narcissism is something that can never be satiated. Instead, it can only be trampled down by gratitude. Looking back in retrospect, I’ve learnt so much in my journey in Durham, and I am growing more and more content that it was not in vain. He, in His sovereignty, has placed me here in this little city, and there is so much to be thankful for.

It was here where I learnt much about the beauties of the English language, where I first dared to publish my writing publicly – both in the university newspaper and at this blog - where I appreciated the necessity of precision and the importance of defamiliarisation,  where I dared to critique and discuss ideas that challenged and stretched me and oftentimes overwhelmed me.

It was here where I could delight in taking long walks along the river, admiring the abundant riches the scenery lays forth. Durham is beautiful in all seasons, and the city – small, quaint, yet dignified – shines in magnificence. I could walk through the cobblestoned streets or the leaf-strewn footpaths for the millionth time, and still be amazed at this gem of a city.

It was here also where I could enjoy some solitude, to carve out time to reflect, to think, and to be lifted out from my comfort zone, exploring new ideas and experiences. Living out, cooking meals (that are actually edible in most cases!), managing finances, and handling bills (and all the utter chaos it entails). It was here where I tried new things like Zumba, ceilidh dancing, rowing, park run, eating haggis, going to seminars by professors I admire from afar. Seeing new sights, travelling within the UK and without. Most of all, meeting people from all over the globe, seeing how different cultures intersect, or more funnily, when they do not.

On the subject of people, I am grateful for the family I have here. God has placed such wonderful friends around me, in college, in my course, in Malaysian society, in church. I remember World Web where I met some of the loveliest people who cared for me, nurtured me, disciple me. And where I met others whom hopefully I have helped in their walk with God too. I remember my flatmates, who have to put up with my silly dances, my lame jokes, and my general weirdness. Who had to live each day with my imperfections and are still willing to care for me, dance along with me, watch movies with me, cook for me. I remember iFocus, the Bible study group for international students over at Christchurch Durham. When I first joined, I never thought that we would become this close. We had been through much together, slight rifts, misunderstandings, hurts, challenges. But I am glad that God preserved our relationship and brought good out of it all, strengthening our excitement in His gospel daily. We love each other much, and I am glad for this group who had challenged me to grow in my love and knowledge of God, and who cared for me enough to say things that were at times hard for me to swallow. They have encouraged me daily to look to Christ, and I am grateful for that. And man, can this group play music / Articulate / Sardines like no other.

Yet, as much as Durham has monumentally shaped me, I am perhaps right in saying that the euphoria I have felt surrounding my existence there will melt into a memory. As I leave the town, I felt a poignant sadness, not so much because I would be leaving the city, but because I would soon be okay with the separation. Life is such. You taste the delights of one stage of life, but you will move on to other stages. I will miss Durham and the people there, but time will soon wear away my attachment. And I too will be forgotten.

Will I still praise God?

My reaction to my results will show that although I know in my head “Soli deo Gloria”, I still have a while to go before I live it out fully. And perhaps it is a struggle that would continue till eternity is ushered in. But truly, God alone deserves the glory, and that I am happiest when offering Him due praise. He had created me, and has moulded the universe. He has given me good things to enjoy. But above all, I was and am a sinner, and He has plucked me from eternal separation from Him to eternal enjoyment of His presence. The things I had in Durham – as great and beautiful and wonderful as they are – still cannot compare to the unsurpassable joy of this honour: that of knowing Jesus Christ, and being known by Him.