When Satan tells me of the guilt within...

I've come to realise that a lot of my actions are driven by guilt and fear. I would feel the weight of guilt pressing down on me when I didn't "perform" as well as I should, and I would feel the fear of letting others down. 

It's not just at work either, this mentality has leaked into the way I do church ministry. What should be joyful and happy obedience as a response to the gospel sometimes devolve into self-abasing when I do not fulfill God's law to the tee, or when I have it in my mind that someone is displeased with what I had done / hadn't done. 

It is true that godly sorrow leads to repentance - 

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done." 

- Paul to the Corinthian church (2 Cor 7:10-11). 

But there is a key difference between remorse and guilt. While remorse galvanises Christians to carry their crosses with more focus and eagerness, the residual guilt that comes from the fear of unforgiven sin feeds into doubt and self-pity. So I become despairing when I fall short of the standard of what a perfect Christian should be, and wallow in misery. 

I don't think we should indulge in this misery, though. I had also mistakenly perceived my struggle with guilt as "the right Christian response to sin", and as a good way to motivate me to mortify sin. Yet wanting to gratify my guilt and attempting to "compensate" for it stem from the insidious attitude that I've unconsciously adopted that I must become Christ. Not Christlike, but Christ himself. 

And it's actually a subtle, more dangerous form of sinning against God. I'm still attempting to dethrone Him by placing myself as the important person - the saintly martyr who has to give of herself because I "need" to be the Messiah to others. 

And how terribly prideful, how agonisingly frustrating to believe that even just a mite!

Realising this, I have then fallen into despair again. The foundational and fundamental gospel of grace I have yet to truly grasp!

But how wonderful it is that everytime I struggle with this guilt complex, I can remember these sweet words:

"Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." 

-Hebrews 10:19-23

What is the basis of this hope and assurance? His faithfulness which is proven by the blood He shed. Note the passage I quoted - our hearts are sprinkled and our bodies are washed. Words that are both in the passive form, i.e. that has happened to us, and in the past tense, i.e. has already taken place. Earlier in the chapter, the author of Hebrews wrote that Christ's sacrifice is perfect and complete - accomplishing the redemption of His people once for all. 

So when I am liable to fall into despair because of all the ways I am not living out my Christian life rightly - I can remember I have an advocate with the Father, who forgives all my sins. What great encouragement indeed to keep pressing on to lead God-glorifying lives!