When Satan tells me of the guilt within...

I've come to realise that a lot of my actions are driven by guilt and fear. I would feel the weight of guilt pressing down on me when I didn't "perform" as well as I should, and I would feel the fear of letting others down. 

It's not just at work either, this mentality has leaked into the way I do church ministry. What should be joyful and happy obedience as a response to the gospel sometimes devolve into self-abasing when I do not fulfill God's law to the tee, or when I have it in my mind that someone is displeased with what I had done / hadn't done. 

It is true that godly sorrow leads to repentance - 

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done." 

- Paul to the Corinthian church (2 Cor 7:10-11). 

But there is a key difference between remorse and guilt. While remorse galvanises Christians to carry their crosses with more focus and eagerness, the residual guilt that comes from the fear of unforgiven sin feeds into doubt and self-pity. So I become despairing when I fall short of the standard of what a perfect Christian should be, and wallow in misery. 

I don't think we should indulge in this misery, though. I had also mistakenly perceived my struggle with guilt as "the right Christian response to sin", and as a good way to motivate me to mortify sin. Yet wanting to gratify my guilt and attempting to "compensate" for it stem from the insidious attitude that I've unconsciously adopted that I must become Christ. Not Christlike, but Christ himself. 

And it's actually a subtle, more dangerous form of sinning against God. I'm still attempting to dethrone Him by placing myself as the important person - the saintly martyr who has to give of herself because I "need" to be the Messiah to others. 

And how terribly prideful, how agonisingly frustrating to believe that even just a mite!

Realising this, I have then fallen into despair again. The foundational and fundamental gospel of grace I have yet to truly grasp!

But how wonderful it is that everytime I struggle with this guilt complex, I can remember these sweet words:

"Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." 

-Hebrews 10:19-23

What is the basis of this hope and assurance? His faithfulness which is proven by the blood He shed. Note the passage I quoted - our hearts are sprinkled and our bodies are washed. Words that are both in the passive form, i.e. that has happened to us, and in the past tense, i.e. has already taken place. Earlier in the chapter, the author of Hebrews wrote that Christ's sacrifice is perfect and complete - accomplishing the redemption of His people once for all. 

So when I am liable to fall into despair because of all the ways I am not living out my Christian life rightly - I can remember I have an advocate with the Father, who forgives all my sins. What great encouragement indeed to keep pressing on to lead God-glorifying lives! 

Urgency and patience in gospel work

The gospel is eternally serious business, inextricably tied to the glory of God and the destinies of real people. Given the stakes, there has been a good and right recovery of the urgent task to see the gospel go to the world's hardest places and least-reached peoples.

 And yet if we're not careful, I fear we will wrongly identify urgency with speed, failing to remember that a task can be urgent and yet demand a slow, methodical approach that thinks in years and decades instead of days and months.

Simply put, the church desperately needs to recover categories for both urgency and patience in missions. Spreading the gospel is urgent, but it demands men and women with the patience to commit to God's means in order to accomplish God's ends.


- Josh Manley, "Be patient, missions is urgent"

Trekking through Bangkok - 2017

Loooooooooong overdue post. (And picture-heavy, too).

The Startrackers (The Star's graduate trainees) and I took a trip to Bangkok together last September - and here are some stories and pics.

When I first set foot into the working world officially, I was apprehensive. What are people really like in an office environment? You hear things about office politics, and you wonder how much of it is true. 

But these girls made working life not only fun, but as something to look forward to. Yep, what you do at work matters, the nature of your job scope matters. But who you're surrounded by matters too. And these ladies -  Aisyah, Natalie, Lina, Michelle, Su Hsien, Rowena (plus Melanie, who couldn't make it for the trip!) - they are supportive and caring, always there to offer advice, a shoulder to cry on, any form of help and support they can give, or lame jokes to brighten up your day. They genuinely rejoice to see you do well in your job or in your personal life, and they are there when the odds seem to be stacked against you. 

I'm so thankful to God that He's placed each one of them in my life :)

And I'm glad that we got to take a trip to Bangkok together.

DAY 1: 

- We flew into Don Mueang Airport, Bangkok

- Checked into Restiny Hostel at Ratchatewi Road. Very nice establishment, and the staff there are really generous. 

- We went for dinner nearby at Faridah Fartanee, it's a halal restaurant so that's great for Muslim travelers. 

- Later, we marched on to Pratunam Market for a look see, look, see. 

DAY 2: 

There's a reason why Thailand is a popular tourist destination. They've all sorts of quirky places to visit. We rented a van for the seven of us to take us around some sights in Khao Yai (altogether about 3600 baht). 

- We stopped by a chocolate factory, which sells premium chocs. 

- There was some random B&B place (?) next to it, and there were goats. 

- Next we went to Chokchai Farm. Hahaha, to be honest, I found it slightly odd...? Like it's essentially a farm, where cows are milked - how can this turn into such a profitable empire? But if you watch the introductory video at the beginning of the tour you'd understand why. From this one product, milk, there were a whole load of business units branching out from that product. It's fascinating! That's how enterprising and creative the business owners are. 

After lunch, we went to PB Valley. We didn't do the wine-tasting tour thing, just walked around and snapped some shots. 

- We then hopped into the van and went to The Bloom, which is a sort of flower garden.

And I guess if you wanna see Europe in Thailand (lol), one can always journey to Primo Piazza - where there are alpacas. (The highlight of the Khao Yai trip). 

Milk tea is very yums. It went for about 20-25 baht. We had dinner at Pe Aor, where they had delish tom yum noodles. 

And of course, we ended the day by playing Jenga in the hostel. 

DAY 3: 

Hot blazing days are always good for a trip to the temple. In our case, we took the opportunity of the toasty temperatures to visit Wat Arun. It's named after the Hindu god Aruna, often personified as the rising sun (according to Wiki). The temple sits on the Chao Phraya riverbank, and apparently it had existed since at least the 17th century. 

We heard that there is a dress code for tourists visiting the temples - but perhaps it wasn't really enforced, or maybe they're chill about it so long as it's not too revealing. I saw people wearing shorts and it was fine. 

- We took a river boat there. I don't remember the price now, it should be around 40-80 baht? 

- Then we went shopping at Siam Square. There was some really nice stuff for cheap there. Opposite was Siam Paragon and Siam Centre, where there was some nice stuff for not-so-cheap. (really not so cheap). 

Our journey then took us to Ratchada Rot Fai night market, where there was lots to eat and drink and shop, but nowhere to sit. 

                                             

DAY 4: 

Last full day in Bangkok - and was able to squeeze time to meet a dear friend named Guy, whom I knew from iFocus Durham days. We went around the hot Chatuchak Market, and there was so much to see - it's a very eclectic selection. Thai massages, milk teas, clothes, bags. And I think there was a stall selling only plastic bags.

Guy and I basically just chilled at the park after a while, talking about life and Thai politics (which is never a dull topic). 

And we spent the evening in the hostel, washing up and gearing up to go to the airport. We spent the night there, but couldn't get proper sleep because it was too darn cold. 

---

It wasn't my first time to Thailand or Bangkok. But that's the fun thing about traveling - it's a different experience each time. And I think what made this one so special were the companions. I had 6 other girls who are genuinely super fun and chill, and whom I'm really comfortable with. The late night chats (the sharing sessions), the laughter and jokes, and even the sad moments / pains in our lives that we got to chat through - I'm grateful for them. 

Yep, the sights and sounds of Bangkok city were great. But what was even greater was being able to share some time with you girls. :) 

The Glory of the Impossible - Samuel Zwemer

The challenge of the unoccupied fields of the world is one of great faith and, therefore, to great sacrifice. Our willingness to sacrifice for an enterprise is always in proportion to our faith in that enterprise. Faith has the genius of transforming the barely possible into actuality. Once men are dominated by the conviction that a thing must be done, they will stop at nothing until it is accomplished.

[...]

The pioneer missionary, in overcoming obstacles and difficulties, has the privilege not only of knowing Christ and the power of His resurrection, but also something of the fellowship of His suffering.

[...]

Who would naturally prefer to leave the warmth and comfort of hearth and home and the love of the family circle to go after a lost sheep, whose cry we have faintly heard in the howling of the tempest? Yet such is the glory of the task that neither home-ties nor home needs can hold back those who have caught the vision and the Great Shepherd.


- Samuel Zwemer, "The Glory of the Impossible"

True Spirituality - The transforming power of the gospel

It is at the cross that we cast away all our pride and self-sufficiency and admit to God what idolaters we really are. It is at the cross that we stop covering up our lack of spiritual reality. It is at the cross that we humbly admit to God that our hearts are spiritually cold and hard. It is at the cross that we find rest for our souls.

I am not presenting just one more plan or program for spiritual self-development. Instead, I am presenting a person, Jesus Christ, who says not only "repent and believe the gospel" (Mark 1:14b-15), but also "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28-30).

- Steve Childers

One great thing

You don't have to know a lot of things for your life to make a lasting difference in the world. But you do have to know the few great things that matter, perhaps just one, and then be willing to live for them and die for them.

The people that make a durable difference in the world are not the people who have mastered many things, but who have been mastered by one great thing. If you want your life to count, if you want the ripple effect of the pebbles you drop to become waves that reach the ends of the earth and roll on into eternity, you don't need to have a high IQ. You don't have to have good looks or riches or come from a fine family or a fine school.

Instead you have to know a few great, majestic, unchanging, obvious, simple, glorious things - or one great all-embracing thing - and be set on fire by them. 


- John Piper

Idleness

Previously, I wrote about busy-ness and how it can really disorientate your mind and rob a person's time to reflect and ruminate.

But idleness can be equally deadly. And what is worse than an idle body is an idle mind. You can tell a lot about a person by what their mind instinctively turns to. I realise that in my idleness, my mind turns to festering thoughts that lead me down the road to doubt and sadness.

It's a very real thing for Christians to be tempted to despair, to find it hard to peel away from such thoughts; this was painfully apparent to me when I was holidaying in Australia. Even while I was having a good time with my family seeing the sights - yes, even when I was having a genuinely good time - my thoughts kept returning to the pit of despair where no ray of hope seems able to burst through.

Someone very close to me told me that I was too naive, too optimistic - which was, according to him, a "cliche"; he did not understand that I was desperately warding off the hopelessness that was daily seeping within me.

There is much to sorrow about. The tragedies in this world just keep leaving us beleaguered, and there seems to be no ceasefire or respite.

But I think the bigger cliche is to feed that greedy beast of despair. Too easy is it to cling to despair, too easy is it to indulge in it, too easy is it to close our eyes and believe that this is the normal. Too easy is it to believe that there is no hope.

Now I want to make it clear that there is nothing wrong with grieving, with depression (both clinical and non-clinical), and sadness. Indeed, it is during this bleak period, when I have to trudge through the everydays that I see my own helplessness and God's measureless grace which fuels me for the tomorrows. But our sinful hearts are inclined to make the sadness and despair the closing chapter, the denouement of this play. If we are truly honest with ourselves, life seems like one blanket of tragedy - where characters are left with the broken pieces and no answers.

But for Christians, we fight to rejoice, we strive to rejoice, not because we want to manufacture artificial saccharine ecstasy, because we have a deep-seated, legitimate reason to do so. What I'm saying sounds like a load of "positive thinking" nonsense, and I would agree that "positive thinking" doesn't actually lead to "positive thinking". A hope is only as strong as what it's grounded in. For Christians, we do not have a false, empty hope that leaves us to be pitied of all men. It is a true hope. A hope grounded in the person and finished work of Christ.

So yes - my mind turns to despair, and will continue to do so. As long as I am in this side of eternity, sadness will come whispering in my ears every so often. I am emotionally battered, and feel very fragile. But I shall be able to keep crawling through the muddled murky midnight that besets me in my idleness, not because I am strong, not because I have positive thinking, but because God is faithful in ensuring that the Holy Spirit would lead me hoping and taking refuge in Christ.

Poem - I watched you mourn

For my friends
who know
the feathered thing
we call grief.

--

That day the morning hardened
And the clock stopped on the wall;
What happened had happened all of a sudden
And I could do nothing at all.

Regret flooded me
And more than just a little shame
And I wished as hard as I could
That I could sip your pain away.

"I could have"s came to mind
As I watched you mourn
        separated by a gossamer shadow;
But I resign to the fact that I am not Christ,
Who alone brings hope for tomorrow.

I myself, stand here waiting,
To quietly offer what I can manage,
To receive your sorrow folded in words
And your sadness in silence packaged.

Busy-ness

It's hard to settle myself down nowadays. 

I think I'm naturally predisposed to being lazy, but ironically, I also hate wasting time. So to counter idleness, to make sure I'm making the most of my time, I've been filling up my diary with things to do. Be it meeting up with people, going for cool seminars in church, serving in church, spending time with family, making sure my actual daytime job gets done well. Because I'm a Christian and I recognise that my days are numbered,  I want to squeeze the most out of every single minute. 

While that's all well and good, I also do believe that my busy-ness partly stems from less-than-noble intentions. Namely, my desire for wanting to do everything under the sun and my intense fear that I'm missing out on something great if I don't go for it. 

I've realised that lately I've just been filling up my days with so many activities - church, family, friends, work - that it's just been a whirlwind of buzzing up and down. I do think it's good to be active; but in another sense, I think it's bad that I now find it a struggle to slow down and draw myself away from all the hustle and bustle. Sometimes I've forgotten what it's like to not have something scheduled in. 

It's at times like this when I wish I was back in Durham, where if things get so busy, I could step outside to take a walk. Things seem less stressful there than when you're battling the long commute and congestion of KL City just to attend something you want to go for.  

But anyhow. I need to remember that I'm weak and limited as a human, and that while it's great to go out and be doing stuff, there're always great opportunities to be God-glorifying and wise with our time - even when we stay at home, not having any appointment penciled in. 

In fact, that's also what we need to do from time to time, to make sure we've not been idolising companionship, fun activities, busy-ness. What a great thing it is, to draw back from all that noise and go back to Jesus. 

The Paper Trail

I comb through the many articles that may seem like junk
To the untrained eye; but to my mind these things make my treasure trunk.

I traced what I've kept, following a paper trail
Curious and apprehensive of the nostalgia it would entail.

Little bits of notes and large slabs of cards
Words that spoke of a future that now belong to a past.

Dates that used to mean something but now have to be foregone
Cute little drawings, and even cuter songs.

Stuffed toys and books and all the photographs
Memories that were sweet, but are now, I suppose, done.

I followed the paper trail down our times,
Then placed them in a box again and put it aside.

Still

He smiled but not like he used to
He talked but not like he used to
He was friendly, polite
With cool tones that spoke of
How he was alright.

I go on with life
Crawling by the every days
Trying both to accept and push away
His words
And the thought of the gap
Between us.

Because
Amidst the laughter
Amidst the chatter
Amidst the loudness and din
When my heart is quiet
And the white noise settled
And the shadows of my soul are silent
I think of him still. 

The hardest thing

The hardest thing is watching those three words change from present tense to past tense.

Old House

Down the street on which old leaves sleep
Is my old house, where I used to live.
It is the same place, with the same sights and smells
With the same inhabitants living there still.

It had been 27 days since I last left the place,
27 days since I last said goodbye;
27 days since I stopped calling it home
27 days since I had gone.

I had decided that it should have ended,
though I hadn't want it to.
I could carry on and just pretended,
But it was best for me to go.

So
Forcefully
Painfully
I excised that which suffused
With my very being.
It hurt a lot.
But what scared me the most
Was finding relief
From the cleanness of the cut.

Today, I walked past my house again
and the memories come streaming through my mind
There are remnants of the place, some traces I retained
That still won't leave with the passage of time.

Down the street my house I passed,
With a twinge of nostalgia for memories past,
Of the same sights, and the same smells,
And the same people living there still.

But all the same, I walked back home,
The new home to which I had gone;
It is where my soul joy and solace finds,
From the day I entered till beyond time.

11pm weird thoughts

Opposition political parties will be more effective if they stop playing the victim of The Establishment, and instead work to actually being a viable alternative to the government.

Brief reflection on Trump's election

“Were you expecting the result?” someone asked me.

I was, actually.

I was anticipating a closer fight, but I did have a gut feel that Trump would win.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t rooting for him to win. But recent global events like Brexit showed a swing towards protectionism and a preference for tough, no-nonsense, heavy-handed leaders, like Duterte.

I’m not saying that protectionism was the only reason that Trump won. From what I understand, there are those who, after a long and painful struggle, decided to vote for him because they could not bring themselves to put faith in Hillary. (A decision I would admittedly struggle with too, if I were in their position).

But I do think protectionism did play a role in Trump’s victory. People are scared. Fearful. Uncertain over the future.

Those fears and doubts may be justified: some people may genuinely be coming from hard places and undergoing difficult times. Some would have thought they had legitimate reasons to vote as they did. 

However, it could also be that their uncertainties have been stoked by the twin flames of the politicians and the media.

Either way, the inclination towards protectionism and Clint Eastwood-type leaders do indicate a yearning for security. Or rather, a yearning for someone who seems like he / she can offer that security. As humans, we naturally feel that protecting our own interests is better, easier, more practical than reaching out to others, rubbing shoulders with others, sharing our lives with others.

It is after all, a lot harder, a lot more painful to live alongside other people.

On a (not so) side note, hopefully those of us who have found security and refuge in Christ – are willing to love others, with a kind of reckless self-sacrifice. Not because we – on our own – are capable of loving, but because Christ first loved us and poured out that kind of reckless, self-sacrificial love. 

What a sermon should do

What a sermon should do:

1. Preach from the text
2. Preach to the heart
3. Preach Christ.


Good reminder from a brother-in-Christ in Growth Group :)

If you can

A parched soul does not recognize its thirst until it drinks from the living water. This wonderful line has encouraged me greatly.

Badminton in the Olympics... and the Gospel

He flicked. He lobbied. He smashed.

The entire nation watched with avid eyes and pounding hearts as the national shuttler Lee Chong Wei faced off with his adversary, Chen Long. Back and forth the shuttlecock bounced from one side of the court to the other. Lee Chong Wei was at his top form in this year’s Olympic Games. He beat his longtime rival, Lin Dan, for crying out loud! The gold was his, for sure.

Yes, Chong Wei was at his top form. But, Chen Long seems to be doing well too. In fact, better than just “well”. He was able to match Chong Wei’s shots, able to return all his best smashes, lobbies, and flicks. The world No. 2 that we all thought Chong Wei was going to beat was at his top form too.

By the end of it, Malaysia grieved as a despondent Chong Wei apologized to the nation for having lost the gold. I was shocked, and so sad. Here was a man who had trained so hard, prepared so hard, for the Olympics. “He deserved it”, I said over and over again.

I like to think that hardworking people will get rewarded, that sheer grit and determination will get us where we wanted. We champion Lee Chong Wei because he embodies all these qualities – diligence, perseverance, a never-say-die attitude. He is our pride because of that.

But here, in this match, we see how far the human spirit is willing to stretch itself – and yet, so horribly, also its inadequacy to hit the mark.

Yes, he did his best, he did a great job, he is one of the best badminton players our country has ever seen. But the truth is, he failed to reach the standards that were set for him to win a gold. 

We feel for him, because it feels all too familiar. The many, many instances when we thought we’ve done our best, we’ve fought tooth and nail to give our all – and yet, our all still falls short. It could be a sport, in school, at work, in our relationships, or as just as a compassionate human being. We can never reach the standard that we think we should be at.

When Paul writes that there is no one righteous, not one that turns to God (Romans 3:10-11), he’s not merely saying that we are sinful. He’s also saying that we’ve missed the mark, we’ve fallen short of God’s goodness and glory (Romans 3:23). We may think we’ve worked super hard, we’ve been a good person overall, we’ve done enough good deeds – but are they really adequate? Chong Wei fell short of a gold because he couldn’t match Chen Long’s standards. When set alongside the absolute standards of a pure, holy, righteous God – do we too fall short?

In James 2:10, it is written that “whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.” It’s a tall order, but it’s exactly the standard that you would expect a pure, holy, righteous God to set. We may do overall good things. But who has not had a moral misstep, a burst of anger, a spiteful word, a lie?

On one hand, we might shrug it off and roll our eyes. It seems as though “sin” is just a result of stringent, over-critical nitpicking and faultfinding. But if we go along with this line of argument, we’re basically going on a slippery slope. What is okay then? What is the level at which someone can be considered to have “done enough”? I thought Chong Wei had “done enough”. I thought Chong Wei had deserved the gold medal. But it didn’t turn out that way.

On the other hand, these standards are too high, too overwhelming – they’re a cause for despair. How can any one person ever live up to this standard? We’re caught in a rat race of never doing enough, never being enough.

As I watched Chong Wei cry over his failure of securing a gold, my heart sank. I talked about his interview with someone that I was close to, saying that it was really sad to see him like that. This guy said in jest, “We need to stop mollycoddling people” and that what we need is a “stronger, harsher new bunch” of players. Is this the solution to our problem of “falling short”? To work even harder? To keep trying to be more, more, more? Or die trying?

Or maybe the solution is not an action, but a person. A person named Jesus Christ. He lived a sinless, perfect life, so that His good record can be counted as ours (2 Corinthians 5:21). He fulfilled every single point of God’s law and moral standards so that His people are considered righteous. All our life we’ve been seeking to do, do, do – when it’s already been done. He’s given us a righteousness by taking our penalty, dying on the cross – and ultimately defeating sin and death, being raised to life.

In Christ therefore, I have attained the standard that God has set. Not on my merit. Not on my works. Not on my efforts. Not by my best intentions. But by Christ, and Him alone. 

In summary: Life in Durham Uni

Before viewing my university results slip, I asked myself “Would I still be praising God – even if I don’t get what I wanted?”

I had told myself that the results weren’t important, and that I did the best I could. And I sincerely believe that. But I had not realised that I still craved for a First. When I opened the slip, I didn’t see what I wanted to see. All of  a sudden, the high of graduating and being done with my degree dampened. It had seemed like my entire academic career fizzled out into a nothing instead of ending with a bang. It had seemed to me a very sour failure.

What perhaps stung the most was that it was a subject that I thought I was good at and that I was passionate about. I wasn’t a standout in a lot of things at school: I flee from numbers, science wasn’t my forte, sports was done only for fun, and ask me to sing or play a musical instrument and banshees would boo me off the stage. My peers, on the other hand, seem to wield talent in multitudinous fields, and always there are those who are better than me in every single thing. But I derived consolation from the thought that I was good with words.

Coming to Durham University, I dared not harbour any ambition. It was daunting coming to the motherland of English Literature, and intimidating to be set alongside peers whose native tongue is English. I just wanted to pass my tests. But doing considerably alright for my second year, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I would have a shot at a First?

So when I finally received my results, all notion of (perceived) self-worth dissipated.

Will I still praise God?

There is much danger in settling your identity and hope on things outside of God. Danger – not only because God often cripples our petty attempts of “self-definition”, but also because we don’t understand the hollowness that undergirds the fruitless enterprise of seeking fulfilment that is not Christ Himself. To give an example, I had only first wanted to enter university. Then I had only hoped to pass my degree. And then soon, I wanted more and more and more. I suspect that even if results went the way I wanted, I would still be looking for the next “big” thing to achieve.

Reflecting upon it, the motive is to fuel my narcissism. And narcissism is something that can never be satiated. Instead, it can only be trampled down by gratitude. Looking back in retrospect, I’ve learnt so much in my journey in Durham, and I am growing more and more content that it was not in vain. He, in His sovereignty, has placed me here in this little city, and there is so much to be thankful for.

It was here where I learnt much about the beauties of the English language, where I first dared to publish my writing publicly – both in the university newspaper and at this blog - where I appreciated the necessity of precision and the importance of defamiliarisation,  where I dared to critique and discuss ideas that challenged and stretched me and oftentimes overwhelmed me.

It was here where I could delight in taking long walks along the river, admiring the abundant riches the scenery lays forth. Durham is beautiful in all seasons, and the city – small, quaint, yet dignified – shines in magnificence. I could walk through the cobblestoned streets or the leaf-strewn footpaths for the millionth time, and still be amazed at this gem of a city.

It was here also where I could enjoy some solitude, to carve out time to reflect, to think, and to be lifted out from my comfort zone, exploring new ideas and experiences. Living out, cooking meals (that are actually edible in most cases!), managing finances, and handling bills (and all the utter chaos it entails). It was here where I tried new things like Zumba, ceilidh dancing, rowing, park run, eating haggis, going to seminars by professors I admire from afar. Seeing new sights, travelling within the UK and without. Most of all, meeting people from all over the globe, seeing how different cultures intersect, or more funnily, when they do not.

On the subject of people, I am grateful for the family I have here. God has placed such wonderful friends around me, in college, in my course, in Malaysian society, in church. I remember World Web where I met some of the loveliest people who cared for me, nurtured me, disciple me. And where I met others whom hopefully I have helped in their walk with God too. I remember my flatmates, who have to put up with my silly dances, my lame jokes, and my general weirdness. Who had to live each day with my imperfections and are still willing to care for me, dance along with me, watch movies with me, cook for me. I remember iFocus, the Bible study group for international students over at Christchurch Durham. When I first joined, I never thought that we would become this close. We had been through much together, slight rifts, misunderstandings, hurts, challenges. But I am glad that God preserved our relationship and brought good out of it all, strengthening our excitement in His gospel daily. We love each other much, and I am glad for this group who had challenged me to grow in my love and knowledge of God, and who cared for me enough to say things that were at times hard for me to swallow. They have encouraged me daily to look to Christ, and I am grateful for that. And man, can this group play music / Articulate / Sardines like no other.

Yet, as much as Durham has monumentally shaped me, I am perhaps right in saying that the euphoria I have felt surrounding my existence there will melt into a memory. As I leave the town, I felt a poignant sadness, not so much because I would be leaving the city, but because I would soon be okay with the separation. Life is such. You taste the delights of one stage of life, but you will move on to other stages. I will miss Durham and the people there, but time will soon wear away my attachment. And I too will be forgotten.

Will I still praise God?

My reaction to my results will show that although I know in my head “Soli deo Gloria”, I still have a while to go before I live it out fully. And perhaps it is a struggle that would continue till eternity is ushered in. But truly, God alone deserves the glory, and that I am happiest when offering Him due praise. He had created me, and has moulded the universe. He has given me good things to enjoy. But above all, I was and am a sinner, and He has plucked me from eternal separation from Him to eternal enjoyment of His presence. The things I had in Durham – as great and beautiful and wonderful as they are – still cannot compare to the unsurpassable joy of this honour: that of knowing Jesus Christ, and being known by Him. 

Storygram - Unaccustomed Earth

The earth knew her tread, welcoming her steps as her boots crunched on the leaf-strewn ground. She had walked this footpath a hundred times before. But this would be her last walk here. Soon, the earth would wonder why she no longer walked there. And soon, it would matter no longer.

It was strange how homecoming could feel like displacement, or how familiarity could intermingle with the foreign.

But time would pass, and a new familiarity would rise up to take the place of the old. A new routine would be built on the decay of the old everydays. The scenes that she sees, the little places she encounters, the faces she meets – with the passage of time, this would be ripped away violently, and new sensations, new locations, new people would seep into her mind instead. And it would be the same for the others.

She wished she could carry it all with her, she wished to bring back something tangible to show that there is a difference between the girl who went away and the one who came back. She would return to the same house, with the smell of the earth she knew and loved so well hovering so tenuously, like an ungraspable vestige of a half-forgotten dream.