Previously, I wrote about busy-ness and how it can really disorientate your mind and rob a person's time to reflect and ruminate.
But idleness can be equally deadly. And what is worse than an idle body is an idle mind. You can tell a lot about a person by what their mind instinctively turns to. I realise that in my idleness, my mind turns to festering thoughts that lead me down the road to doubt and sadness.
It's a very real thing for Christians to be tempted to despair, to find it hard to peel away from such thoughts; this was painfully apparent to me when I was holidaying in Australia. Even while I was having a good time with my family seeing the sights - yes, even when I was having a genuinely good time - my thoughts kept returning to the pit of despair where no ray of hope seems able to burst through.
Someone very close to me told me that I was too naive, too optimistic - which was, according to him, a "cliche"; he did not understand that I was desperately warding off the hopelessness that was daily seeping within me.
There is much to sorrow about. The tragedies in this world just keep leaving us beleaguered, and there seems to be no ceasefire or respite.
But I think the bigger cliche is to feed that greedy beast of despair. Too easy is it to cling to despair, too easy is it to indulge in it, too easy is it to close our eyes and believe that this is the normal. Too easy is it to believe that there is no hope.
Now I want to make it clear that there is nothing wrong with grieving, with depression (both clinical and non-clinical), and sadness. Indeed, it is during this bleak period, when I have to trudge through the everydays that I see my own helplessness and God's measureless grace which fuels me for the tomorrows. But our sinful hearts are inclined to make the sadness and despair the closing chapter, the denouement of this play. If we are truly honest with ourselves, life seems like one blanket of tragedy - where characters are left with the broken pieces and no answers.
But for Christians, we fight to rejoice, we strive to rejoice, not because we want to manufacture artificial saccharine ecstasy, because we have a deep-seated, legitimate reason to do so. What I'm saying sounds like a load of "positive thinking" nonsense, and I would agree that "positive thinking" doesn't actually lead to "positive thinking". A hope is only as strong as what it's grounded in. For Christians, we do not have a false, empty hope that leaves us to be pitied of all men. It is a true hope. A hope grounded in the person and finished work of Christ.
So yes - my mind turns to despair, and will continue to do so. As long as I am in this side of eternity, sadness will come whispering in my ears every so often. I am emotionally battered, and feel very fragile. But I shall be able to keep crawling through the muddled murky midnight that besets me in my idleness, not because I am strong, not because I have positive thinking, but because God is faithful in ensuring that the Holy Spirit would lead me hoping and taking refuge in Christ.