When Satan tells me of the guilt within...

I've come to realise that a lot of my actions are driven by guilt and fear. I would feel the weight of guilt pressing down on me when I didn't "perform" as well as I should, and I would feel the fear of letting others down. 

It's not just at work either, this mentality has leaked into the way I do church ministry. What should be joyful and happy obedience as a response to the gospel sometimes devolve into self-abasing when I do not fulfill God's law to the tee, or when I have it in my mind that someone is displeased with what I had done / hadn't done. 

It is true that godly sorrow leads to repentance - 

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done." 

- Paul to the Corinthian church (2 Cor 7:10-11). 

But there is a key difference between remorse and guilt. While remorse galvanises Christians to carry their crosses with more focus and eagerness, the residual guilt that comes from the fear of unforgiven sin feeds into doubt and self-pity. So I become despairing when I fall short of the standard of what a perfect Christian should be, and wallow in misery. 

I don't think we should indulge in this misery, though. I had also mistakenly perceived my struggle with guilt as "the right Christian response to sin", and as a good way to motivate me to mortify sin. Yet wanting to gratify my guilt and attempting to "compensate" for it stem from the insidious attitude that I've unconsciously adopted that I must become Christ. Not Christlike, but Christ himself. 

And it's actually a subtle, more dangerous form of sinning against God. I'm still attempting to dethrone Him by placing myself as the important person - the saintly martyr who has to give of herself because I "need" to be the Messiah to others. 

And how terribly prideful, how agonisingly frustrating to believe that even just a mite!

Realising this, I have then fallen into despair again. The foundational and fundamental gospel of grace I have yet to truly grasp!

But how wonderful it is that everytime I struggle with this guilt complex, I can remember these sweet words:

"Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." 

-Hebrews 10:19-23

What is the basis of this hope and assurance? His faithfulness which is proven by the blood He shed. Note the passage I quoted - our hearts are sprinkled and our bodies are washed. Words that are both in the passive form, i.e. that has happened to us, and in the past tense, i.e. has already taken place. Earlier in the chapter, the author of Hebrews wrote that Christ's sacrifice is perfect and complete - accomplishing the redemption of His people once for all. 

So when I am liable to fall into despair because of all the ways I am not living out my Christian life rightly - I can remember I have an advocate with the Father, who forgives all my sins. What great encouragement indeed to keep pressing on to lead God-glorifying lives! 

Urgency and patience in gospel work

The gospel is eternally serious business, inextricably tied to the glory of God and the destinies of real people. Given the stakes, there has been a good and right recovery of the urgent task to see the gospel go to the world's hardest places and least-reached peoples.

 And yet if we're not careful, I fear we will wrongly identify urgency with speed, failing to remember that a task can be urgent and yet demand a slow, methodical approach that thinks in years and decades instead of days and months.

Simply put, the church desperately needs to recover categories for both urgency and patience in missions. Spreading the gospel is urgent, but it demands men and women with the patience to commit to God's means in order to accomplish God's ends.


- Josh Manley, "Be patient, missions is urgent"

Trekking through Bangkok - 2017

Loooooooooong overdue post. (And picture-heavy, too).

The Startrackers (The Star's graduate trainees) and I took a trip to Bangkok together last September - and here are some stories and pics.

When I first set foot into the working world officially, I was apprehensive. What are people really like in an office environment? You hear things about office politics, and you wonder how much of it is true. 

But these girls made working life not only fun, but as something to look forward to. Yep, what you do at work matters, the nature of your job scope matters. But who you're surrounded by matters too. And these ladies -  Aisyah, Natalie, Lina, Michelle, Su Hsien, Rowena (plus Melanie, who couldn't make it for the trip!) - they are supportive and caring, always there to offer advice, a shoulder to cry on, any form of help and support they can give, or lame jokes to brighten up your day. They genuinely rejoice to see you do well in your job or in your personal life, and they are there when the odds seem to be stacked against you. 

I'm so thankful to God that He's placed each one of them in my life :)

And I'm glad that we got to take a trip to Bangkok together.

DAY 1: 

- We flew into Don Mueang Airport, Bangkok

- Checked into Restiny Hostel at Ratchatewi Road. Very nice establishment, and the staff there are really generous. 

- We went for dinner nearby at Faridah Fartanee, it's a halal restaurant so that's great for Muslim travelers. 

- Later, we marched on to Pratunam Market for a look see, look, see. 

DAY 2: 

There's a reason why Thailand is a popular tourist destination. They've all sorts of quirky places to visit. We rented a van for the seven of us to take us around some sights in Khao Yai (altogether about 3600 baht). 

- We stopped by a chocolate factory, which sells premium chocs. 

- There was some random B&B place (?) next to it, and there were goats. 

- Next we went to Chokchai Farm. Hahaha, to be honest, I found it slightly odd...? Like it's essentially a farm, where cows are milked - how can this turn into such a profitable empire? But if you watch the introductory video at the beginning of the tour you'd understand why. From this one product, milk, there were a whole load of business units branching out from that product. It's fascinating! That's how enterprising and creative the business owners are. 

After lunch, we went to PB Valley. We didn't do the wine-tasting tour thing, just walked around and snapped some shots. 

- We then hopped into the van and went to The Bloom, which is a sort of flower garden.

And I guess if you wanna see Europe in Thailand (lol), one can always journey to Primo Piazza - where there are alpacas. (The highlight of the Khao Yai trip). 

Milk tea is very yums. It went for about 20-25 baht. We had dinner at Pe Aor, where they had delish tom yum noodles. 

And of course, we ended the day by playing Jenga in the hostel. 

DAY 3: 

Hot blazing days are always good for a trip to the temple. In our case, we took the opportunity of the toasty temperatures to visit Wat Arun. It's named after the Hindu god Aruna, often personified as the rising sun (according to Wiki). The temple sits on the Chao Phraya riverbank, and apparently it had existed since at least the 17th century. 

We heard that there is a dress code for tourists visiting the temples - but perhaps it wasn't really enforced, or maybe they're chill about it so long as it's not too revealing. I saw people wearing shorts and it was fine. 

- We took a river boat there. I don't remember the price now, it should be around 40-80 baht? 

- Then we went shopping at Siam Square. There was some really nice stuff for cheap there. Opposite was Siam Paragon and Siam Centre, where there was some nice stuff for not-so-cheap. (really not so cheap). 

Our journey then took us to Ratchada Rot Fai night market, where there was lots to eat and drink and shop, but nowhere to sit. 

                                             

DAY 4: 

Last full day in Bangkok - and was able to squeeze time to meet a dear friend named Guy, whom I knew from iFocus Durham days. We went around the hot Chatuchak Market, and there was so much to see - it's a very eclectic selection. Thai massages, milk teas, clothes, bags. And I think there was a stall selling only plastic bags.

Guy and I basically just chilled at the park after a while, talking about life and Thai politics (which is never a dull topic). 

And we spent the evening in the hostel, washing up and gearing up to go to the airport. We spent the night there, but couldn't get proper sleep because it was too darn cold. 

---

It wasn't my first time to Thailand or Bangkok. But that's the fun thing about traveling - it's a different experience each time. And I think what made this one so special were the companions. I had 6 other girls who are genuinely super fun and chill, and whom I'm really comfortable with. The late night chats (the sharing sessions), the laughter and jokes, and even the sad moments / pains in our lives that we got to chat through - I'm grateful for them. 

Yep, the sights and sounds of Bangkok city were great. But what was even greater was being able to share some time with you girls. :) 

The Glory of the Impossible - Samuel Zwemer

The challenge of the unoccupied fields of the world is one of great faith and, therefore, to great sacrifice. Our willingness to sacrifice for an enterprise is always in proportion to our faith in that enterprise. Faith has the genius of transforming the barely possible into actuality. Once men are dominated by the conviction that a thing must be done, they will stop at nothing until it is accomplished.

[...]

The pioneer missionary, in overcoming obstacles and difficulties, has the privilege not only of knowing Christ and the power of His resurrection, but also something of the fellowship of His suffering.

[...]

Who would naturally prefer to leave the warmth and comfort of hearth and home and the love of the family circle to go after a lost sheep, whose cry we have faintly heard in the howling of the tempest? Yet such is the glory of the task that neither home-ties nor home needs can hold back those who have caught the vision and the Great Shepherd.


- Samuel Zwemer, "The Glory of the Impossible"

True Spirituality - The transforming power of the gospel

It is at the cross that we cast away all our pride and self-sufficiency and admit to God what idolaters we really are. It is at the cross that we stop covering up our lack of spiritual reality. It is at the cross that we humbly admit to God that our hearts are spiritually cold and hard. It is at the cross that we find rest for our souls.

I am not presenting just one more plan or program for spiritual self-development. Instead, I am presenting a person, Jesus Christ, who says not only "repent and believe the gospel" (Mark 1:14b-15), but also "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28-30).

- Steve Childers

One great thing

You don't have to know a lot of things for your life to make a lasting difference in the world. But you do have to know the few great things that matter, perhaps just one, and then be willing to live for them and die for them.

The people that make a durable difference in the world are not the people who have mastered many things, but who have been mastered by one great thing. If you want your life to count, if you want the ripple effect of the pebbles you drop to become waves that reach the ends of the earth and roll on into eternity, you don't need to have a high IQ. You don't have to have good looks or riches or come from a fine family or a fine school.

Instead you have to know a few great, majestic, unchanging, obvious, simple, glorious things - or one great all-embracing thing - and be set on fire by them. 


- John Piper

Reflections on "Preaching the Whole Bible as Christian Scripture" by Graeme Goldsworthy

TL:DR version - read last 3 paragraphs.

Goldsworthy starts his book with an anecdote. In Sunday school, a child was asked what is gray and furry and lives in eucalyptus trees. Puzzled, the student replied “I know the answer is Jesus, but it sounds like a koala!”

Though amusing, the anecdote does raise a good question - what does it mean when Christians say “Jesus is always the answer”?

While the pithy slogan sounds a little silly, there is profound truth undergirding it. The person of Jesus is absolutely central to the message and meaning of Christianity. Although we know that in our heads, we need only examine the habits of our instinctively narcissistic selves to see that we don’t always act that way – even in our “Christian” practices.

This attitude pours over into the way we read our Bible as well. Do we read it only to find “inspiration” for ourselves? Or do we read it to understand God more? The way we read and draw out meaning from Scripture points to how we view our relationship with God.

Goldsworthy is at pains to illustrate how reading ourselves into the Bible is an unhelpful enterprise. Even if we read in it “instructions” to be a good Christian, we very often are inclined to put ourselves as the centre and cut Jesus out of the picture. As Goldsworthy writes:

“It is clear from the New Testament that the ethical example of Christ is secondary to and dependent upon the primary and unique work of Christ for us. Yet this does not seem to be clear to many when it comes to the Old Testament. The message of the Old Testament is too easily reduced to the imitation of godly example and the avoidance of the ungodly example.”

As an antidote, it is crucial to see the gospel (i.e. Jesus’ death and resurrection for our salvation) as the essence of the Bible, even in the Old Testament. Goldsworthy continues:

“At the heart of this saving work is not the ethical teachings of Jesus, but his obedient life and death, his glorious resurrection and his ascension to the right hand of God on high.”

For Goldsworthy, if we are to take the Bible seriously, there are basic principles on how the Bible should be viewed and read, and he addresses them in the chapters of the first part of his book:

1. The Centrality of the Gospel
2. What is the Bible?
3. What is Biblical Theology?
4. What is preaching?
5. Was Jesus a Biblical Theologian?
6. What kind of unity does the Bible have?
7.  How does the Gospel Function in the Bible?
8. What is the structure of Biblical Revelation
9. Can I preach a Christian sermon without mentioning Jesus?

Goldsworthy proposes that everyone is an interpreter of the Bible, which, even in a postmodern world, is a claim that no one would refute. But despite what postmodernism asserts (haha), there is correct interpretation and there is wrong interpretation. For someone to be a good interpreter of the Bible, he / she should be a Biblical theologian.

Biblical Theology, is a very loaded term, and the chapter on it, given Goldsworthy relatively academic style, can be bewildering for a layperson. Basically however, according to Goldsworthy, Biblical Theology upholds that all Scripture should be read as one unity, rather than seen as separate chunks that do not interrelate. It is seeing each narrative / passage in the Bible as contributing to one greater narrative – that of the redemption history that God achieves through Christ alone.

Even if we are convinced that all Scripture is the one story about Christ, resolving to know nothing but Christ crucified is ironically quite a tricky undertaking. Goldsworthy shows that there are themes that develop consistently across Scripture, and there are certain motifs that are specific only to that time and context. Therefore, it is important to take into account the rich variety of literary genres, the historical development across the books, and the progressive revelation of the redemption story. It is important to develop a sensitivity in distinguishing between elements of continuity and discontinuity.

Thus, there is a tension in the way we interpret Scripture: to see the Bible narrative as one unity, but to also recognise the variety of its different books. But Goldsworthy doesn’t leave us without guidance on how to handle this tension. He divides the Bible into three very broad epochs:

• Type (Historical epoch: creation to Israel’s decline)
• Type confirmed (Prophetic eschatology: prophecies of kingdom to come)
• Antitype (New Testament fulfilment: Jesus Christ and the church)

These are broad divisions, but it gives some structure in the way we can navigate the timeline of the Bible. He then dedicates the second half of the book to illustrating how different genres link to Christ: 

• Historical narrative texts
• Old Testament Laws
• Old Testament Prophets
• Wisdom literature
• Psalms
• Apocalyptic texts
• Gospels
• Acts and Epistles

Pulling out specific passages for each genre, he works out both the unique themes of that passage and how it would appropriately find its fulfilment in Christ.

Personally, although the book can be academic in its tone, there is much to gain from reading it, even for the layperson. The gist of it is that we cannot put ourselves in the shoes of the original readers without first seeing how the text finds its significance in Jesus’ death and resurrection. My biggest takeaway is understanding that even in the epistles, which are closest to our contemporary context, there still needs to be care in the way we relate the apostles’ writings to our current situation. Certain adjustments still need to be made.

Goldsworthy belabours the necessity of reading Scripture in a Christ-centred way, but not because of pedanticism. It’s because the centrality of the gospel is essential for us to know God through Christ. It’s because it does spell out different implications in the way we live our lives as Christians than if we had merely lifted the passage out of its context.

Some may balk at the idea of having to make the connection to Jesus every time they read a Bible passage. Certainly I was more than a little annoyed when I was told this too. “It is too tedious!”, “Repetition would bore people!”, “There is no need!” may be some of the objections. But tediousness is no excuse for laziness, nor is repetition for complacency. And maybe we could say that there is no need to link the text to Jesus – if it weren’t for the fact that Jesus himself said that all Scripture points to him (Luke 24: 44-45).

As Goldsworthy writes,

“It would not appear that Paul’s determination to know nothing among his hearers but Christ and him crucified led him into the trap of predictability. Of course, if by predictability we mean that people will come to expect every sermon to expound something of the glories of Christ, then let us by all means be predictable! Since there are inexhaustible riches in Christ, and the implication of these for our Christian experience are endless, I doubt very much that there is any need for a preacher to be boring and repetitive.”

There is a hope

There is a hope that burns within my heart 

That gives me strength for every passing day

A glimpse of glory now revealed in meagre part

That drives all fears away;

I stand in Christ, with sins forgiven, 

And Christ in me, the hope of heaven, 

My highest calling, and my deepest joy, 

To make His will my home. 

There is a hope that lifts my weary head, 

A consolation strong against despair, 

That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pits

I find the Saviour there;

Through present sufferings, future's fears, 

He whispers "Courage!" in my ears, 

For I am safe in everlasting arms

And they will bring me home. 

There is a hope that stands the test of time, 

That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave

To see the matchless beauty of a day divine, 

Where I behold His face; 

Where sufferings cease and sorrows die, 

And every longing satisfied, 

And joy unspeakable will flood my soul, 

For I am truly home. 

--

This is one of my favourite songs. There is such beauty in seeing how the Christian can still rejoice even in the midst of despair and suffering. The words "hope" and "home" are repeated in the beginning and end of each verse respectively, showing the link between our hope and our eternal home - with Christ. 

I like how there is progression in the song - moving from a deep-seated hope within the heart of the Christian, to the courage to face the external battles of the world, to when everything is made right in New Creation. The third verse brings everything to final completion, where the "sufferings" of verse 2 cease, and "deepest joy" of verse 1 will come in its entirety. 

What wonderful lyrics. :)

Idleness

Previously, I wrote about busy-ness and how it can really disorientate your mind and rob a person's time to reflect and ruminate.

But idleness can be equally deadly. And what is worse than an idle body is an idle mind. You can tell a lot about a person by what their mind instinctively turns to. I realise that in my idleness, my mind turns to festering thoughts that lead me down the road to doubt and sadness.

It's a very real thing for Christians to be tempted to despair, to find it hard to peel away from such thoughts; this was painfully apparent to me when I was holidaying in Australia. Even while I was having a good time with my family seeing the sights - yes, even when I was having a genuinely good time - my thoughts kept returning to the pit of despair where no ray of hope seems able to burst through.

Someone very close to me told me that I was too naive, too optimistic - which was, according to him, a "cliche"; he did not understand that I was desperately warding off the hopelessness that was daily seeping within me.

There is much to sorrow about. The tragedies in this world just keep leaving us beleaguered, and there seems to be no ceasefire or respite.

But I think the bigger cliche is to feed that greedy beast of despair. Too easy is it to cling to despair, too easy is it to indulge in it, too easy is it to close our eyes and believe that this is the normal. Too easy is it to believe that there is no hope.

Now I want to make it clear that there is nothing wrong with grieving, with depression (both clinical and non-clinical), and sadness. Indeed, it is during this bleak period, when I have to trudge through the everydays that I see my own helplessness and God's measureless grace which fuels me for the tomorrows. But our sinful hearts are inclined to make the sadness and despair the closing chapter, the denouement of this play. If we are truly honest with ourselves, life seems like one blanket of tragedy - where characters are left with the broken pieces and no answers.

But for Christians, we fight to rejoice, we strive to rejoice, not because we want to manufacture artificial saccharine ecstasy, because we have a deep-seated, legitimate reason to do so. What I'm saying sounds like a load of "positive thinking" nonsense, and I would agree that "positive thinking" doesn't actually lead to "positive thinking". A hope is only as strong as what it's grounded in. For Christians, we do not have a false, empty hope that leaves us to be pitied of all men. It is a true hope. A hope grounded in the person and finished work of Christ.

So yes - my mind turns to despair, and will continue to do so. As long as I am in this side of eternity, sadness will come whispering in my ears every so often. I am emotionally battered, and feel very fragile. But I shall be able to keep crawling through the muddled murky midnight that besets me in my idleness, not because I am strong, not because I have positive thinking, but because God is faithful in ensuring that the Holy Spirit would lead me hoping and taking refuge in Christ.

Poem - I watched you mourn

For my friends
who know
the feathered thing
we call grief.

--

That day the morning hardened
And the clock stopped on the wall;
What happened had happened all of a sudden
And I could do nothing at all.

Regret flooded me
And more than just a little shame
And I wished as hard as I could
That I could sip your pain away.

"I could have"s came to mind
As I watched you mourn
        separated by a gossamer shadow;
But I resign to the fact that I am not Christ,
Who alone brings hope for tomorrow.

I myself, stand here waiting,
To quietly offer what I can manage,
To receive your sorrow folded in words
And your sadness in silence packaged.

Busy-ness

It's hard to settle myself down nowadays. 

I think I'm naturally predisposed to being lazy, but ironically, I also hate wasting time. So to counter idleness, to make sure I'm making the most of my time, I've been filling up my diary with things to do. Be it meeting up with people, going for cool seminars in church, serving in church, spending time with family, making sure my actual daytime job gets done well. Because I'm a Christian and I recognise that my days are numbered,  I want to squeeze the most out of every single minute. 

While that's all well and good, I also do believe that my busy-ness partly stems from less-than-noble intentions. Namely, my desire for wanting to do everything under the sun and my intense fear that I'm missing out on something great if I don't go for it. 

I've realised that lately I've just been filling up my days with so many activities - church, family, friends, work - that it's just been a whirlwind of buzzing up and down. I do think it's good to be active; but in another sense, I think it's bad that I now find it a struggle to slow down and draw myself away from all the hustle and bustle. Sometimes I've forgotten what it's like to not have something scheduled in. 

It's at times like this when I wish I was back in Durham, where if things get so busy, I could step outside to take a walk. Things seem less stressful there than when you're battling the long commute and congestion of KL City just to attend something you want to go for.  

But anyhow. I need to remember that I'm weak and limited as a human, and that while it's great to go out and be doing stuff, there're always great opportunities to be God-glorifying and wise with our time - even when we stay at home, not having any appointment penciled in. 

In fact, that's also what we need to do from time to time, to make sure we've not been idolising companionship, fun activities, busy-ness. What a great thing it is, to draw back from all that noise and go back to Jesus. 

Book Review: "For Whom the Bell Tolls"

Contrary to the John Donne sonnet from which its title was taken, the novel For Whom the Bell Tolls reflects not the common adage for which the poem was famous - “No man is an island” - but it instead speaks of the total isolation that man faces in the midst of war.

The poem that Hemingway references aligns with the novel’s themes in that it echoes the universal tragedy that occurs after a loss of a life. There is a common sadness, a common grief that is to be shared when even one individual suffers death and pain. But interestingly, instead of badgering the readers with platitudes about the horrors of war, Hemingway also pulls at the tension between the tragedy of war and its necessity. His tone remains one of neutrality: it is horrible, it wounds and hurts men, bringing out the worst in them; yet it is necessary for them to fight.

There is a kind of putting away of self in taking up a cause, a forgetting of one’s own interests for the sake and advancement of that cause. “[War] gave you a part in something that you could believe in wholly and completely and in which you felt an absolute brotherhood with the others who were engaged in it. It was something that you had never known before but that you had experienced now and you gave such importance to it and the reasons for it that your own death seemed of complete unimportance only a thin to be avoided because it would interfere with the performance of your duty.” As much as crises bring out the worst in men, it gave them reason and opportunity to rally behind something, to throw their entire energies into that purpose.

But it would be wise to remember that this line is part of Robert Jordan’s thought processes, one of his many veering thoughts that attempt to rationalise and make sense of the circumstances he’s in. The notion that crises brings about an “absolute brotherhood” is uncomfortably questioned. Jordan is the only American in the small band of guerrillas that has been tasked to bomb the bridge. While he seems to make connections with the group, at the end as it was at the beginning, he is alone. The refrain “His mind was very good company” which occurs throughout the book points to his solitude.

The book’s blurb according to my edition (Arrow Books, 1994) advertises the story as a romance, highlighting the relationship between Jordan and Maria. But after reading it, I was not much compelled by Robert Jordan and Maria’s relationship. It was beautiful in some sense, but it did not have the emotional weight I expected it to have based on the blurb.

Jordan’s soliloquys in trying to drown out his self-interest and trying to concoct some semblance of rationality in the war were I think the thrust of the book. And it culminates in the actual execution of the bomb operation. It was duly suspenseful and thrilling, which makes slugging through the first 200 pages worthwhile. But what was interesting was how although the operation itself needed to be orchestrated harmoniously by a few key players, the mission played out in silos. There were many instances of the aloneness of the individuals in war: the lone messenger delivering the message to the General, the guerrilla member Pablo betraying and sabotaging the operation, Robert Jordan having to coldly calculate and dissect each person’s loyalties and capabilities.

Even when they are supposedly on the same side, people are still moving in their own orbits instead of really moving towards one common direction. Thus ironically, for a book whose opening poem was a bold declaration that “no man is an island”, the novel also rings aloud with the isolation in which men insulate themselves during times of crises. 

Book Review: "God's Plans for You" by J. I. Packer

I thought the book would be a wishy-washy, hyper-spiritualised kind of book that you would find at the "New Age" section on the bookstore shelf. Haha, me and my prejudices. Genuinely, however, the trouble with books of these titles is that it tends to puff people up with self-absorption and self-obsession, and leads people to think that God is some kind of wizard to fulfill all your wishes.

But Packer's book is packed with good solid theology, and is - thankfully, and quite rightly - focused on God's actual plans for us, rather than what we want God's plans for us to be.

Packer sets the right tone by expounding on what a theologian essentially is. A lot of us, including Christians, tend to think that a theologian is a ponderous academic, a religious pundit almost. But in reality, we are all theologians. We all have ideas about whether God exists, what He's like. That's really what theology means - what we think about God.

He then later goes on to talk about God's plans for us. But before Packer gets to God's plans for us in our day-to-day lives (which we are most keen to know about, being instinctively self-interested), he addresses God's grand plan for the whole of humanity: that of human salvation accomplished through Christ's incarnation, death, and resurrection. The book reveals God's plan to make Christ lord of all, and that all things shall be united with Christ as head (Ephesians 1:10), for Christians to have a perfect relationship with Jesus, for them to be able to approach God's throne with full confidence (Hebrews 4:16), and for His spirit to conform us to Jesus' likeness (Romans 8:28-29).

Interestingly and importantly, although Packer does acknowledge that Christians ought to prayerfully seek for God's guidance in their decisions and lives, he does also emphatically state that trying to pin down "God's will" through some supernatural means can actually be harmful, and for me personally, doing that may hint at a sinful heart that does not trust God.

He writes:
"The source of anxiety is that a desire for guidance is linked with uncertainty about how to get it and fear of the consequences of not getting it. Such anxiety has an unhappy way of escalating. Anxious people get allured by any and every form of certainty that offers itself, no matter how irrational. They become vulnerable to strange influences and do zany things."

Wanting to know God's "will" then, can be distorted to become a way to manage and control God, and instead of leading us to humble dependence on Him, leads us to muscle through in our own way somehow.

After Packer truly establishes that God's purpose is to be found in trusting Christ as Lord and Saviour, Packer goes on to how this would look like in practical terms, i.e. in our daily living. He draws out what it means to be a Christian in sad times and in good times, and how being a Christian leads to self-understanding and also love for others.

Overall, it's a really good book that starts out very strongly by laying the foundation of God's grand purpose for mankind, before delving into the nitty gritty of how this plays out in all our small, but joy-filled lives. Packer does not make this an explicitly doctrinal book (in that, he does not explicitly elaborate on Christian doctrines and creeds), but it is a very helpful book to have in order to gain perspective on God's bigness and how we should re-orient our lives around Him.

On a side note, I received this book from such wonderful Christians when I was baptised. And I'm grateful for them.

The Paper Trail

I comb through the many articles that may seem like junk
To the untrained eye; but to my mind these things make my treasure trunk.

I traced what I've kept, following a paper trail
Curious and apprehensive of the nostalgia it would entail.

Little bits of notes and large slabs of cards
Words that spoke of a future that now belong to a past.

Dates that used to mean something but now have to be foregone
Cute little drawings, and even cuter songs.

Stuffed toys and books and all the photographs
Memories that were sweet, but are now, I suppose, done.

I followed the paper trail down our times,
Then placed them in a box again and put it aside.

The Fault in our Characters

Characters were usually what makes a book interesting for me. I can appreciate stories with deeply intricate plotlines and thought-provoking ideas, but the stories that I love -  the stories that I keep close to my heart, that stirs my spirit and leaves me feeling melancholic when I turn that last page - are often stories with compelling characters I can sympathise with. Jem from To Kill a Mockingbird, Rudy from The Book Thief, Sydney Carton from A Tale of Two Cities, just to name a few.

But there is a danger of liking the book solely for its characters. We get so attached to them, that we are blinded to the bigger picture.  Like in real life, when you are too taken with someone, there is a tendency to overlook their flaws. And flaws are important, because they point to some of the important themes the author is working hard to flesh out.

One of my biggest pet peeves, literary interpretation-wise, is when Romeo and Juliet is said to be the synonym of an epic romance. I do think that Shakespeare is trying to showcase the beauty and ecstasy of falling in love, and the tragedy of when it all falls apart. But he was also depicting the impulsiveness of love, how rash and unthinking and foolish we are when we are infatuated. Is it any coincidence that Juliet's young age was specifically mentioned? Or that Romeo was mooning over Rosalind just before he fell for Juliet?

[Side note: I think Franco Zeffirelli produced the most faithful R&J film; the actors were young and they portrayed characters that were impetuous in proceeding with their newfound love. Yet, there was something endearing about it, something that reminds the viewers of the rush and sting of one's first love].

There is King Lear too. Yes the audience is meant to sympathise with him. Who can watch Lear grieving over Cordelia without shedding tears of commiseration? But Lear was by no means a guilt-free character. He was the one who banished Cordelia in a petulant tantrum, despite having it carefully arranged that she was to (rightly) inherit the best portion of his land. More than that, while people are outraged at Goneril and Regan's cruelty, can anyone say the fault is entirely theirs when Lear refused to relinquish control even though he had already handed over his kingdom to his daughters? [An excellent essay of this was written by George Orwell]

The story that I personally feel is the most misinterpreted is Wuthering Heights. All of the films focus on Cathy and Heathcliff, with most of them ending the story after Cathy senior dies. But the romance of Hareton and Cathy is of equal importance, I feel, as a foil to Heathcliff and Cathy's love. Heathcliff and Cathy's love is fascinating and intriguing, but one watches it with a mixture of repulsion and morbid curiosity: it was not to be admired or emulated. In fact, Nellie, the central narrator of the tale, was repulsed by the amount of self-centredness, loathing, and obsessiveness that govern the relationship. And in the end, their toxic relationship exploded, bringing misery and pain to everyone around them. But Cathy and Hareton were an example of how loving someone means encouraging one another, and forgiving past wrongs. It was tamer, and I suppose, less dramatic than Heathcliff and Cathy's tumultuous relationship, but it was significant enough to be dedicated a half-book worth of writing by Bronte.

Characters that fascinate us, that we sympathise with, that we even identify with, are not necessarily characters to be emulated. When we get so caught up with a character's story, we overlook the big message the author is trying to tell us.



We sometimes do that with the Bible as well. We get shocked when so-called "godly" people marry multiple wives, when they commit murder, when they get drunk and appear naked in front of their children. But while the Bible shows how God used these men for His greater purposes, their flaws and faults and shortcomings are important because it ultimately points to the fact that humans are sinners, and we have such a huge, huge need for grace.

It is tempting to read the Bible and say "Clearly, God wanted me to be more like these people, so what can I do to follow their example?" When we do that, we lose the plot of the bigger picture. We lose the plot that there's someone bigger, more perfect, more important to look out for. When we are hung up with Heathcliff and Cathy, we forget Hareton and Cathy Jr who are infinitely better and nobler than Heathcliff.

So with the Bible. If we focus our attention on wanting to be like Jonah, or Abraham, or XYZ, we forget Christ who became man to deal with our sins by dying on the tree, and who defeated death by being raised to life.

Still

He smiled but not like he used to
He talked but not like he used to
He was friendly, polite
With cool tones that spoke of
How he was alright.

I go on with life
Crawling by the every days
Trying both to accept and push away
His words
And the thought of the gap
Between us.

Because
Amidst the laughter
Amidst the chatter
Amidst the loudness and din
When my heart is quiet
And the white noise settled
And the shadows of my soul are silent
I think of him still.